29 Reasons to NOT See “Fantastic Four”
Oh, where to start.
Every once in a blue moon, a movie so bad comes out that you feel bad for everyone involved. Unfortunately, this is the third time it’s happened this year, and “Fantastic Four” has just joined the ranks with “Lazarus Effect” and “Aloha” on my personal list of nearly unwatchable trash of 2015. In lieu of an angry rant, here’s an angry list!
- Just because your movie has “Fantastic” in the title does not give you a free pass to make a crappy movie. You’re not fooling anyone.
- Director Josh Trank was reported to have forbade the cast from reading the “Fantastic Four” comic books in preparation for their roles. How are you supposed to make an adaptation if no one knows what he or she is supposed to portray?
- You know that scene from the trailer where Thing (Jamie Bell) jumps out of a plane and lands on the ground inexplicably blowing up a military truck? Yeah, that didn’t happen in the movie.
- You know that scene from the trailer where Jamie Bell hits a baseball with a bat into a sign for no reason at all? Yeah, that also didn’t happen.
- The writing is laughable and cringe-worthy. Half of the conversations consist of someone saying something, and another character correcting what he or she said with different emphasis. For example, “You put a lot of faith in these kids,” followed by “I put ALL my faith in these kids,” or “You never listen,” followed by “I DID listen,” always with a stern face tacked on for dramatics, of course.
- Why would people working on interdimensional travel attend a high school science fair? That’s how they find (Spoiler) Reed (Miles Teller) (End Spoiler).
- They specifically told him at the science fair that they’ve never been able to bring anything back from the other dimension, but inexplicably have some sand that they know is from there. They contradicted themselves in less than two minutes. That’s got to be a record.
- Reed has the personality of a cardboard box, and not in an endearing way.
- Kate Mara’s character is mean for the first ten minutes, and then presumably has a moment off screen where she decides to not be a jerk anymore because she gets way more pleasant for no apparent reason.
- Jamie Bell is my favorite actor in this movie. They made him a giant childish rock.
- Doom’s thought process appears to be something along the lines of “Oh no! They flirted! MUST DESTROY WORLD!” What is this, middle school?
- Furthering the middle school idea, Thing and Reed have a nice “We’re not friends anymore” conversation.
- The only reason they get powers is because they get drunk. What a great example for the countless children seeing this film! Get drunk, get superpowers. Everyone knows that.
- (Spoiler You Shouldn’t Care About) They get their powers (after getting drunk) by getting touched by some weird liquid in an alternate dimension. Doom gets left behind after falling into it. Given that he was a huge part of the project and their close friend, you would think they would be at least a little sad. They never even mention his death. What great friends. (End Spoiler You Shouldn’t Care About)
- Once he gets his powers, Dr. Doom looks like Forest Whitaker got bit by a radioactive crash test dummy.
- I’m still not sure what Doom’s powers are. He can make heads explode and move rocks, so there’s that.
- Oh, of course someone wants to weaponize them. It’s not a superhero movie unless someone wants to do that!
- The guy who wants to weaponize them appears to lack eyebrows.
- The pacing is all over the place. As soon as they get their powers, we are greeted with a black screen that reads “1 year later”, skipping what appears to be the most interesting part of the movie.
- Speaking of pacing, Doom is introduced and taken care of in a matter of about ten minutes. The yawn-inducing fight scene lasted for probably three minutes, and only ends after Reed gives a lame pump-up speech during which everyone magically learns how to perfectly use their powers harmoniously.
- The whole first half is trying to explain the science of everything. You know, the science that doesn’t exist. Stop trying to convince me and show me the interesting stuff.
- (Spoiler) The dad dies. Continuing the horrifyingly flippant handling of death, no one really seems to care that Doom just literally melted the only father figure that they know. (End Spoiler)
- The point of the movie appears to be that teamwork is good. You know what else has that point? Dora. At least she’s bilingual, making her much smarter than this movie.
- Why do we need to mention Instagram when we’re in another dimension?
- It’s tonally jarring. The first half is trying really hard to be funny, and the second half is trying to be brutal. Coincidentally, the first half was brutal and the second half was funny.
- Miles Teller’s scruff beard is gross.
- The hardest I laughed was when Thing was about to hit Doom and takes the time to scream “It’s clobberin’ time!”
- The second hardest I laughed was when the team is requesting a facility to work in. The guy asks, “How much space we talking?” Thing responds gruffly, “A lot.” Thanks for the help, buddy.
- After some particularly corny dialogue, it just sort of ends. I thought to myself, “Oh, it’s over? That’s it? FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY PLEASE DO NOT MAKE A SEQUEL.”
To be clear, none of this mess is the fault of Marvel or the actors involved. The blame lies completely with 20th Century Fox and Josh Trank. However, this does not excuse the movie from being a waste of time and money. Do yourself a favor and do anything besides seeing “Fantastic Four”.
Check out the rest of my less angry reviews here!